Guest Entry Series #1: Funny and Entertaining by Julia Ong Hui Li

Foreword

From now on I will try to get people I know to write guest entries on my blog. This is so that all faithful readers can get to read opinions and complaints of people I know and not because I'm ... ahem ... lazy. The authors are REAL people and not split personalities of mine. If you want to be a guest entry please drop me a tag. All I require are semi-lunatics who can write funny and entertaining entries.

First up is Julia, a very cool and very young friend of mine. She was probably the first person who gave me the idea of erm .. saving some time on filling in entries on this blog. Hence, readers, please note the hint of reluctance and mockery in her entry.

So here it is, in its unaltered form:

Funny and Entertaining

In a world where everything is funny and entertaining, everything is funny and entertaining. Even blogs are funny and entertaining, they have to be (funny and entertaining) otherwise people won’t find them funny and entertaining and they’d go look for something else more funny and more entertaining. So I have to make this funny and entertaining, otherwise you won’t find it funny and entertaining and this not funny and not entertaining entry might not even find its way to the funny and entertaining blog of The XXman.

Oh btw. The XXman is funky hip and groovy pelvis.

(he was also my physics teacher) but I didn’t just say that.

I feel like eating jelly.

Anyway, yes. Since The XXman is totally into physics (look his name is even a variable) I will honour his coughlegacycough and not complain about physics.

BUT

Do I seriously want to know how many Joules are needed to lift a box? No. I mean I’m sorry for myself my name has such great affinity with the unit, but well, I honestly don’t really want to know.

Why must you go through all that calculation when you actually can really

Step 1: bend down

Step 2: bend your knees

Step 3: try to lift the box

If you lift it, well done you’re strong. If you don’t lift it, too bad you’re weak.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Oh another thing. You know physics is a sneaky little thing. I can imagine someone in the North Pole going “You FIZZIKS!” as a curse beyond the definitions of a curse. Okay, maybe not. You know when you’re sitting in the exam hall then you get this question.

“An ideal, massless string attaches a mass M and a mass of M/3. The string is strung over an ideal, massless pulley such that the mass M sits on a frictionless inclined plane, while the mass M/3 hangs vertically. The hanging mass accelerates vertically upward at g/8.

How much work is done on the hanging mass by the tension in the string when the mass moves a distance of 0.15 m?”

First things first, I hope I’ve established I don’t really want to know (or believe I need to either).

Secondly, the question is very questionable. How is something that is massless, ideal? Trust me if what we want is ideal, we will want to be of some mass. If you have no mass, means you don’t exist, how can you be ideal?! This is one big mess (no pun intended).

Thirdly, I don’t know how to do the question.

To The XXman, it’s not my fault you asked me to complain about something.

Okay, actually besides these reasons, I love physics. Hope this makes The XXman happy, as happy as a blameless vestal.

Dear Disgruntled Julia,

We need to know the number of Jules in the event we need to design machines to lift boxes. The reason why the string is massless is so that we can investigate the other parts of the system in isolation and this was a spastic rubbishy entry.

I like it.

Worms and Beans

In my new workplace, I'm curretly involved in making laboratory scale membranes. Now for those not familiar with membranes, the scientific authority www.dictionary.com, defines it as :

1. Chemistry. A thin sheet of natural or synthetic material that is selectively permeable to substances in solution.

I admit I was the one that put in the word 'selectively' because even though dictionary.com IS the scientific authority, sometimes their description is'nt concise enough. For a more recognizable example of membranes, all of us, yes even those of you who think you are different from the rest, have cell membranes around most of our cells. An accurate diagram of such a cell membrane taken from a Super Powerful Atomic Microscope (SPAM) is shown below.

Now I'm not a biologist, but they tell us that all our cells (except the red blood cells who are born exhibitionists) have this coating of membrane around them. I'm not so sure about you but to me, that means we have a crap-load of purple beans and worms running around in us. And don't forget all that blue seaweed.

Back in my lab, synthetic membranes obviously cannot compare with the complexity (and puke-factor) of biological membranes. We're only trying to synthesize something like this on the left. I'm not sure how we've managed to get the green worms to bunch up underneath but I'm still only a novice and worm-manipulation.

Even then, my senior claims that manufacturing a working version of this will probably take up a year or so. Wait till I show him the purple worms and blue seaweed.

We'll be here forever.




For more information please refer to this website: http://www3.imperial.ac.uk/portal/page?_pageid=100,371148&_dad=portallive&_schema=PORTALLIVE

GMT +0

I'm flying off to London tonight.

"*GASP*" some of you will say, "What now? Is this blog going to London too? How can we, the people with hand spasms, access this website now that you're going to London??? Oh no, my kettle is boiling."

Don't worry fellow technoweenies, I've asked the internet experts - SomethingAwful.com, and was told that even if the author goes overseas, the webpage will still be the same and I can update it when I'm there as long as I have access to 'the internet'. Ok so they weren't so polite when they replied me. It was kinda rude and I think the words 'moron' and 'stupid' were mentioned once... ok maybe a few times.

Anyway I'm still quite confused as to where I'm staying or where I'm supposed to report to, but I've gotten this map off my University's website.
I think I start at 1) and then follow the arrow down but its kind of confusing as to the next arrow after that because I know I need to end up at 2). 2) doesn't seem to have any emanating arrows so I'm really lost as to how to get to 3). Anyway I need to get to 23) so I hope I manage to find myself that wheeled transport in the picture so I can get to 23) before dinner.

I'm told that this map is just a teeny weeny portion of London itself, and some legends say London is just part of a much bigger scary place they call UK.

Oh no. (Not sure what UK stands for, Uncle Koala or something cute like that I hope)

Class Cranium

Just last Friday, Class 414/2005 came over to my place for a semi-class gathering, and I say semi because only half the class came. The rest never came because I heard they went home after school to mug for their A' Levels which is in 2 years time.

Bunch of nerds.

Nevertheless, we had lots of fun and it was invigorating for me to spend time with younger people. Besides having too much pizza which resulted in my family eating leftover pizzas for the next 2 days, I discovered the extremely fun game called Cranium.

Now Cranium is an exciting party game and the objective, much like our ordinary mortal lives, is to reach the end. In between the start and the end, again much like our lives, there are many puzzles to solve. These puzzles involve solving general knowledge questions (i.e. What is Marilyn Monroe's underwear color, or something like that) to sculpturing on plasticine.

Now the makers of this game proclaim that "When you play Cranium, you'll use your brain in ways you never imagined and find yourself doing the unexpected." It is very strange now why this game is called Cranium because as the biology authority - dictionary.com puts it, the cranium is "The skull of a vertebrate." Now of course there are no brain cells in the skull so it is not very correct to say you are using your cranium. Now if this was a game consisting of headbutting skills, then it would be correct.

Playing Cranium was a humbling experience because most of the time I had no clue as to the underwear colors of various celebrities. Furthermore, I realised that I am probably only good at sculpturing boulders using plasticine. However, I did discover my talent as a tellytubby impersonation. I must remember to put this in my resume.

Like all other games that I do badly in, I have discovered a way to cheat. All you need to do is to read through all the cards before bringing the game to your next party and you'll soon be the toast of the party. Everyone will be amazed at your incredible cranium. Of course if you ever run out of puzzles, you can always buy the Booster Box 1 (picture on left). But I do not suggest you do this until you've memorised the original puzzles.

At the end of the day, we tried twice but never managed to complete the game at my place. Eventhough my team was in last place, you never know if we could have caught up with the rest.

Ok fine we were last by a long way.

I had lousey teammates. Gah.

Return To Sender

Recently, I've been getting a lot of mail with a lot of bad news. You know, the bills, the reservist callups, bank statements (not bad news but just looking at the monetary value saddens me), etc. One thing I've noticed about all these letters I've been getting, they all sign off with " This is a computer generated document. No signature is required."

Now before you read on, exercise your brain and examine this statement carefully, focusing on the intricate meaning and ramifications of this statment.

You will realise slowly that this statement is a Big Bag of Utter !&%$%^# BULLCRAP.

I mean come on, do readers really question if the document is really a computer generated document? Could it possibly be a very nicely stencilled hand-drawn piece of work? And the sucker punch comes next: because it is a computer generated document therefore no signature is required?!!? What relation does computer generation have to do with signatures? Last I heard, a signature represented sincerity and authenticity.

This statement attempts to treat its readers as fools. It would be even better if they signed off as:
"This is a computer generated document, in black ink, printed by a printer on a piece of white paper, that was made from wood and THEREFORE, no signature is required."

Now I have a theory how this nonsense all came about and it has to do with bad news. Notice all the letters with good news such as, "You have WON in our lucky draw!" and "You have tax relief for the rest of your life!", are always signed off with big hearty signatures. There used to be a time when the bad-news letters were signed off, albeit with somewhat smaller, less conspicuous signatures. The people who signed them off were oftentimes a certain manager who was in charge.

Now what happened then was that the people who received these bad news, in their I'm-pissed-off-someone-better-explain-this-shit-to-me mood would call the signatory up to ask him or her to explain this shit. After a while the manager got really irritated with these calls and so did what all managers are paid to do, and that is to order his subordinate to sign the letters instead. Naturally, of course, what happens next is what they call in management-speak, work delegation, or what we commonly know as "let my underlings handle it".

So now we come down to the lowest order in the company hierarchy. This poor employee, we can imagine, was stuck with all these letters to sign, knowing that even before the ink dries, people will be calling him up asking about their 'shit'. Suddenly, a spark of genius struck him(which occurs often when people are in work-stress) and he realised that if he passed on this reponsibility to the COMPUTER, no one would be able to complain to it!

So then it was that the "This is a computer generated document. No signature is required." was born. Now of course we can all see the root cause for this nonsense; it is laziness. So next time you get a letter that proclaims this, return the letter back and ask: "I know this is a computer generated document, but who generated it using the computer?"

That'll teach the lazy asses.

Oh and by the way, this blog entry is a computer generated document.

No signature is required.

Road Hog Blog Log

This is a post about driving. Don't get me wrong, I love driving; its fun and exhilarating to be in control of a car, travelling and listening to my favourite tunes. Its fun until you nearly slam into that car that just cut into your lane, or you get flashed (no, not the perverted kind) and blinded from behind, or the motorbike creeps up on your blind spot and scares the hell out of you....

Being an automobile driver for several years now, I'm convinced that the newspapers are wrong when they say that Singaporeans are more educated now, smarter now, because from what I can see on the roads, there are a still an enormously large number of numbnuts who obviously never taxed a single neuron when in their cars. Their brains are simply shut off as soon as they touch that steering wheel.

Let's do a case study based on a personal experience.

From the XX-Files, Case Study 41A: Flashing (no not the perverted kind) Beemer

Situation

At a 3-lane traffic junction driving away from Orchard Road, numbnut Beemer is behind an innocent Mercedes who has no idea that beemer is about to commit a dastardly stupid act. Situation is as shown in Figure 1.

Figure 1: Incident initial position.

As can be seen, dumdum Beemer is already extremely impatient and is so close to the Merc as if in an attempt to read all of the Merc's car decals.

The moment the traffic light turns green, Merc is off the starting line and is way ahead of everyone else due to its superior German engineering. However, numbskull Beemer obviously has 5 pregnant ladies in his car and is so impatient with the Merc that he decides to cut to his left without signaling!. But before he does that, he surprises poor Merc with a blast of pure light energy from his headlights.

Figure 2: Incident illustrating lack of brain utilization.

Figure 2 describes the caveman-like act that the Beemer executes which confounds everyone with his (lack of) intelligence.

Analysis (using our brains)
Firstly,let us establish the Merc's innocence.

1) Merc has, among the 3 lanes, reacted the fastest. Any faster and he would have to speed off before the traffic light turned green.
2) Furthermore, there is a speed camera not 50 meters from the starting point which restricts Merc's speed to 60 kmph.

Next let us see what Beemer has done wrong here.
1) Beemer did not signal when turning left. This is a pet peeve of mine.

Singaporeans hate to signal, as it obviously takes up so much energy to push the little stick. From my experience, the turning signal is so seldom used that most drivers probably have no idea what that lever sticking out from the steering wheel is for.

2) Beemer flashed (no, still not the peverted kind) Merc.

Now this is the ground-zero of stupid behaviour. As far as I can see, flashing the Merc only serves 2 purposes, of which both are stupid and suicidal.

Flashing only aims to:
i) To blind the Merc driver and kill his eyes so that he can lose control of the car and slam into the side railings resulting in Beemer crashing into the Merc.
ii) To intimidate the Merc into switching to his left lane, which would result in a catastrophic accident as both cars switch to the left.

Conclusion
Numbnut Beemer switched off his brain whilst driving.


So as can be seen from the case study, many drivers really do not think when they are driving. The lesson here: Always signal and do not flash for no apparent reason.

And yes this applies to the perverts as well.

It felt like a kiss.

Ok, I admit I have too much time and thats why I'm starting a blog now. On this particular blog, I will be rambling about issues or incidents that I care about; probably not too much about myself, more about my opinions. Actually, I feel like I'm talking to myself, cause let's face it, who in the nine hells would care about what I wrote here. There are no naked babes on this site, I don't insult anyone in singlish or rely on extreme use of vulgarities.

Probably the only visitors to this blog would be the strangers who typed in the wrong blogger address. So here it is, this is the blog dedicated to all the strangers-who-typed-wrong-blogger-address-due-to-spasm-in-hand people.

As you have not already noticed, this site attempts to look classy, but look closer (especially the title) and you will notice that the design is possibly classy due to the minimal effort put in by me. That grim reaper on the bottom right is totally plagiarised from some other site. If anyone has a cooler picture, send it to me and I'll kill the grim reaper (haha). I'm still trying to figure out how to add photos into my posts because I admit that I'm a CSS-weenie. If you don't know what CSS is, well, you're in bigger trouble than I am.

Let me state the purpose of this site again - it is for your amusement.

Yes, you with that hand spasm.

If you do not leave this site smiling, then you have either been re-reading my posts or have your underwear on too tight today. If so, I suggest you get looser clothing and leave me a comment.

Ahem.

Okay let me rephrase that, leave me a comment and do whatever you want with your clothes after that.